Woody Allen Quotes

- Notable Woody Allen Quotes Index -

Born: December 1, 1935, Brooklyn, New York City, New York, USA
Birth Country: USA
Occupation: Director

1.
As the poet said, 'Only God can make a tree,' probably because it's so hard to figure out how to get the bark on.
- Woody Allen

2.
Basically my wife was immature. I'd be at home in the bath and she'd come in and sink my boats.
- Woody Allen

3.
Eighty percent of success is showing up.
- Woody Allen

4.
His lack of education is more than compensated for by his keenly developed moral bankruptcy.
- Woody Allen

5.
I am not afraid of death, I just don't want to be there when it happens.
- Woody Allen

6.
I am thankful for laughter, except when milk comes out of my nose.
- Woody Allen

7.
I am two with nature.
- Woody Allen

8.
I believe there is something out there watching us. Unfortunately, it's the government.
- Woody Allen

9.
I don't believe in the after life, although I am bringing a change of underwear.
- Woody Allen

10.
I don't want to achieve immortality through my work. I want to achieve it through not dying.
- Woody Allen

11.
I failed to make the chess team because of my height.
- Woody Allen

12.
I had a terrible education. I attended a school for emotionally disturbed teachers.
- Woody Allen

13.
I have bad reflexes. I was once run over by a car being pushed by two guys.
- Woody Allen

14.
I ran into Isosceles. He had a great idea for a new triangle!
- Woody Allen

15.
I think being funny is not anyone's first choice.
- Woody Allen

16.
I took a speed-reading course and read War and Peace in twenty minutes. It involves Russia.
- Woody Allen

17.
I will not eat oysters. I want my food dead. Not sick. Not wounded. Dead.
- Woody Allen

18.
I'm such a good lover because I practice a lot on my own.
- Woody Allen

19.
If my films don't show a profit, I know I'm doing something right.
- Woody Allen

20.
If my films make one more person miserable, I'll feel I have done my job.
- Woody Allen

21.
If only God would give me some clear sign! Like making a large deposit in my name at a Swiss bank.
- Woody Allen

22.
If you want to make God laugh, tell him about your plans.
- Woody Allen

23.
If you're not failing every now and again, it's a sign you're not doing anything very innovative.
- Woody Allen

24.
It is impossible to experience one's death objectively and still carry a tune.
- Woody Allen

25.
It seemed the world was divided into good and bad people. The good ones slept better while the bad ones seemed to enjoy the waking hours much more.
- Woody Allen

26.
Life doesn't imitate art, it imitates bad television.
- Woody Allen

27.
Marriage is the death of hope.
- Woody Allen

28.
Money is better than poverty, if only for financial reasons.
- Woody Allen

29.
Most of the time I don't have much fun. The rest of the time I don't have any fun at all.
- Woody Allen

30.
My one regret in life is that I am not someone else.
- Woody Allen

31.
Not only is there no God, but try finding a plumber on Sunday.
- Woody Allen

32.
On the plus side, death is one of the few things that can be done as easily lying down .
- Woody Allen

33.
Right now it's only a notion, but I think I can get the money to make it into a concept, and later turn it into an idea.
- Woody Allen

34.
Seventy percent of success in life is showing up.
- Woody Allen

35.
Sex without love is a meaningless experience, but as far as meaningless experiences go its pretty damn good.
- Woody Allen

36.
The food here is terrible, and the portions are too small.
- Woody Allen

37.
There are worse things in life than death. Have you ever spent an evening with an insurance salesman?
- Woody Allen

38.
Time is nature's way of keeping everything from happening at once.
- Woody Allen

39.
To you I'm an atheist to God, I'm the Loyal Opposition.
- Woody Allen

40.
Why does man kill? He kills for food. And not only food: frequently there must be a beverage.
- Woody Allen

Quotes by Woody Allen

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