Rita Rudner Quotes

- Notable Rita Rudner Quotes Index -

Born: September 17, 1953, Miami, Florida, USA
Birth Country: USA
Occupation: TV writer

1.
A man will go to war, fight and die for his country. But he won't get a bikini wax.
- Rita Rudner

2.
Before I met my husband, I'd never fallen in love. I'd stepped in it a few times.
- Rita Rudner

3.
I get a lot of return business. I think it's all those years I put in traveling around the country people saw me before and had a good time so they want to see me again.
- Rita Rudner

4.
I love being married. It's so great to find that one special person you want to annoy for the rest of your life.
- Rita Rudner

5.
I love to shop after a bad relationship. I don't know. I buy a new outfit and it makes me feel better. It just does. Sometimes I see a really great outfit, I'll break up with someone on purpose.
- Rita Rudner

6.
I think men who have a pierced ear are better prepared for marriage. They've experienced pain and bought jewelry.
- Rita Rudner

7.
I want to have children, but my friends scare me. One of my friends told me she was in labor for 36 hours. I don't even want to do anything that feels good for 36 hours.
- Rita Rudner

8.
I was a vegetarian until I started leaning toward the sunlight.
- Rita Rudner

9.
I was going to have cosmetic surgery until I noticed that the doctor's office was full of portraits by Picasso.
- Rita Rudner

10.
I wonder if other dogs think poodles are members of a weird religious cult.
- Rita Rudner

11.
In Hollywood a marriage is a success if it outlasts milk.
- Rita Rudner

12.
Men are self-confident because they grow up identifying with super-heroes. Women have bad self-images because they grow up identifying with Barbie.
- Rita Rudner

13.
Men reach their sexual peak at eighteen. Women reach theirs at thirty-five. Do you get the feeling that God is playing a practical joke?
- Rita Rudner

14.
Men who consistently leave the toilet seat up secretly want women to get up to go the bathroom in the middle of the night and fall in.
- Rita Rudner

15.
Men who have a pierced ear are better prepared for marriage - they've experienced pain and bought jewelry.
- Rita Rudner

16.
My boyfriend and I broke up. He wanted to get married and I didn't want him to.
- Rita Rudner

17.
My husband and I are either going to buy a dog or have a child. We can't decide whether to ruin our carpet or ruin our lives.
- Rita Rudner

18.
My husband gave me a necklace. It's fake. I requested fake. Maybe I'm paranoid, but in this day and age, I don't want something around my neck that's worth more than my head.
- Rita Rudner

19.
My Vegas act is how I make my money.
- Rita Rudner

20.
Some people think having large breasts makes a woman stupid. Actually, it's quite the opposite: a woman having large breasts makes men stupid.
- Rita Rudner

21.
Some women hold up dresses that are so ugly and they always say the same thing: 'This looks much better on.' On what? On fire?
- Rita Rudner

22.
Someday I want to be rich. Some people get so rich they lose all respect for humanity. That's how rich I want to be.
- Rita Rudner

23.
There are different kinds of humor, some is sarcastic, some introspective. Introspective fit my personality better.
- Rita Rudner

24.
To attract men, I wear a perfume called 'New Car Interior.'
- Rita Rudner

25.
We've begun to long for the pitter-patter of little feet - so we bought a dog. Well, it's cheaper, and you get more feet.
- Rita Rudner

26.
When I eventually met Mr. Right I had no idea that his first name was Always.
- Rita Rudner

Quotes by Rita Rudner

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