Mitch Hedberg Quotes

- Notable Mitch Hedberg Quotes Index -

Born: February 24, 1968, St. Paul, Minnesota, USA
Birth Country: USA
Died: Livingston, New Jersey, USA, March 29, 2005
Occupation: Actor

1.
A waffle is like a pancake with a syrup trap.
- Mitch Hedberg

2.
All these jokes have been pre-approved as funny by me.
- Mitch Hedberg

3.
Every time I go and shave, I assume there's someone else on the planet shaving. So I say, 'I'm gonna go shave, too.'
- Mitch Hedberg

4.
Fettucini alfredo is macaroni and cheese for adults.
- Mitch Hedberg

5.
I don't have a girlfriend. But I do know a woman who'd be mad at me for saying that.
- Mitch Hedberg

6.
I drank some boiling water because I wanted to whistle.
- Mitch Hedberg

7.
I had a stick of CareFree gum, but it didn't work. I felt pretty good while I was blowing that bubble, but as soon as the gum lost its flavor, I was back to pondering my mortality.
- Mitch Hedberg

8.
I know a lot about cars, man. I can look at any car's headlights and tell you exactly which way it's coming.
- Mitch Hedberg

9.
I like refried beans. That's why I wanna try fried beans, because maybe they're just as good and we're just wasting time. You don't have to fry them again after all.
- Mitch Hedberg

10.
I love blackjack. But I'm not addicted to gambling. I'm addicted to sitting in a semi circle.
- Mitch Hedberg

11.
I recently took up ice sculpting. Last night I made an ice cube. This morning I made 12, I was prolific.
- Mitch Hedberg

12.
I wanted to buy a candle holder, but the store didn't have one. So I got a cake.
- Mitch Hedberg

13.
I was at this casino minding my own business, and this guy came up to me and said, 'You're gonna have to move, you're blocking a fire exit.' As though if there was a fire, I wasn't gonna run. If you're flammible and have legs, you are never blocking a fire exit.
- Mitch Hedberg

14.
I wear a necklace, cause I wanna know when I'm upside down.
- Mitch Hedberg

15.
I'd like to get four people who do cart wheels very good, and make a cart.
- Mitch Hedberg

16.
I'm a heroine addict. I need to have sex with women who have saved someone's life.
- Mitch Hedberg

17.
I'm sick of following my dreams. I'm just going to ask them where they're goin', and hook up with them later.
- Mitch Hedberg

18.
If my kid couldn't draw I'd make sure that my kitchen magnets didn't work.
- Mitch Hedberg

19.
Is a hippopotamus a hippopotamus, or just a really cool Opotamus?
- Mitch Hedberg

20.
My fake plants died because I did not pretend to water them.
- Mitch Hedberg

21.
Rice is great if you're really hungry and want to eat two thousand of something.
- Mitch Hedberg

22.
The depressing thing about tennis is that no matter how good I get, I'll never be as good as a wall.
- Mitch Hedberg

23.
This shirt is dry clean only. Which means... it's dirty.
- Mitch Hedberg

24.
Why is Cloud 9 so amazing? What is wrong with Cloud 8? That joke came off the top of my head, and the top of my head ain't funny!
- Mitch Hedberg

25.
Y'know, you can't please all the people all the time... and last night, all those people were at my show.
- Mitch Hedberg

Quotes by Mitch Hedberg

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