Henny Youngman Quotes

- Notable Henny Youngman Quotes Index -

Born: March 16, 1906, Whitechapel, London, England, UK
Birth Country: UK
Died: New York City, New York, USA, February 24, 1998
Occupation: Actor

A self-taught man usually has a poor teacher and a worse student.
- Henny Youngman

Do you know what it means to come home at night to a woman who'll give you a little love, a little affection, a little tenderness? It means you're in the wrong house, that's what it means.
- Henny Youngman

I know a man who doesn't pay to have his trash taken out. How does he get rid of his trash? He gift wraps it, and puts in into an unlocked car.
- Henny Youngman

I once wanted to become an atheist, but I gave up - they have no holidays.
- Henny Youngman

I played a great horse yesterday! It took seven horses to beat him.
- Henny Youngman

I've been in love with the same woman for forty-one years. If my wife finds out, she'll kill me.
- Henny Youngman

I've got all the money I'll ever need, if I die by four o'clock.
- Henny Youngman

If at first you don't succeed... so much for skydiving.
- Henny Youngman

If you're going to do something tonight that you'll be sorry for tomorrow morning, sleep late.
- Henny Youngman

Just got back from a pleasure trip: I took my mother-in-law to the airport.
- Henny Youngman

My brother was a lifeguard in a car wash.
- Henny Youngman

My dad was the town drunk. Most of the time that's not so bad but New York City?
- Henny Youngman

She's been married so many times she has rice marks on her face.
- Henny Youngman

Some people ask the secret of our long marriage. We take time to go to a restaurant two times a week. A little candlelight, dinner, soft music and dancing. She goes Tuesdays, I go Fridays.
- Henny Youngman

The secret of a happy marriage remains a secret.
- Henny Youngman

This man is frank and earnest with women. In Fresno, he's Frank and in Chicago he's Ernest.
- Henny Youngman

This man used to go to school with his dog. Then they were separated. His dog graduated!
- Henny Youngman

What's the use of happiness? It can't buy you money.
- Henny Youngman

When I told my doctor I couldn't afford an operation, he offered to touch-up my X-rays.
- Henny Youngman

Quotes by Henny Youngman

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