Emo Philips Quotes

- Notable Emo Philips Quotes Index -

Born: 1956-02-07, Chicago, Illinois
Birth Country: USA

1.
A computer once beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kick boxing.
- Emo Philips

2.
He taught me never to smile, which helps me when I visit disaster sites.
- Emo Philips

3.
How many people here have telekenetic powers? Raise my hand.
- Emo Philips

4.
I once heard two ladies going on and on about the pains of childbirth and how men don't seem to know what real pain is. I asked if either of them ever got themselves caught in a zipper.
- Emo Philips

5.
I was sleeping the other night, alone, thanks to the exterminator.
- Emo Philips

6.
I was the kid next door's imaginary friend.
- Emo Philips

7.
My computer beat me at checkers, but I sure beat it at kickboxing.
- Emo Philips

8.
Probably the worst time in a person's life is when they have to kill a family member because they are the devil. But otherwise it's been a pretty good day.
- Emo Philips

9.
Some mornings, it's just not worth chewing through the leather straps.
- Emo Philips

10.
When I wake up in the morning, I just can't get started until I've had that first, piping hot pot of coffee. Oh, I've tried other enemas.
- Emo Philips

11.
When I was a kid I used to pray every night for a new bicycle. Then I realised that the Lord doesn't work that way so I stole one and asked Him to forgive me.
- Emo Philips

12.
Women: You can't live with them, and you can't get them to dress up in a skimpy little Nazi costume and beat you with a warm squash or something.
- Emo Philips

13.
You don't appreciate a lot of stuff in school until you get older. Little things like being spanked every day by a middle-aged woman: Stuff you pay good money for in later life.
- Emo Philips

Quotes by Emo Philips

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